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Post by markgalvin on Sept 22, 2011 5:53:13 GMT 1
A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the man, "Do you know that you were speeding?" The man replies, "No sir, I didn't know I was speeding." The mans wife then yells, "Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles." "SHUT UP!" the man says to his wife, "Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quite." Then the cop says, "well, since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?" "No Sir" the man replies, "I did not know that" "WHATEVER!" His wife yells, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!" "Shut up" the man yells to his wife again! "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!" Curios, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her, "Does he always talk to you this way?" "No" she replies, " Only when he's drinking!"
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Post by martinsong on Sept 23, 2011 7:00:59 GMT 1
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are gullible.
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Post by alandonald on Sept 23, 2011 8:45:30 GMT 1
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"
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Post by charlesmike on Sept 27, 2011 7:19:51 GMT 1
A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
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Post by michaelperkins on Oct 4, 2011 6:44:53 GMT 1
A dumb blonde is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see another blonde on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her.
"How can I get to the other side of the river?" she shouts loudly.
The other blonde replied "What for? You are already on the other side of the river!"
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Post by johnlouis on Oct 5, 2011 21:09:10 GMT 1
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
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Post by jameswright on Oct 11, 2011 22:36:08 GMT 1
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Post by jgarland on Oct 19, 2011 19:59:08 GMT 1
Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy, planned the robbery and went over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail.
The robbery began. Judy drove up in front of the bank, stopped the car and said to Buffie, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," replied Buffie.
Buffie went in the bank while Judy waited in the getaway car. One minute passed...three minutes pass...seven minutes pass... and Judy was really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here came Buffie. She had a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.
About the time she got the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he was firing his weapon.
As the gals are getting away, Judy yelled, "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"
Buffie said, "I did. I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot!" snapped Judy. "You got it all mixed up. I said, 'Tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!'"
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Post by mikepollarad on Oct 21, 2011 6:19:40 GMT 1
there was a guy that was sick he went to the doctor and said "doctor I have a fever" the doctor said "you will have to take 4 spoons of the medicine" the sick one said " but doctor, i only have 3 spoons what shall i do?"
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Post by davidc on Oct 27, 2011 8:18:57 GMT 1
Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"
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Post by richardson on Oct 28, 2011 7:25:59 GMT 1
boy: how do i play the guitar? girl: u should be on TV for ur talent boy: am i so good??? girl: if u were on TV,, i can atleast switch it off .
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Post by johnrussel on Oct 29, 2011 10:29:06 GMT 1
A Poetry Competition asked For A 2-Line Rhyme With d Most Romantic 1st Line & the Least Romantic 2nd Line There's d Winning Rhymes My darling, My Love,My Beautiful Wife Marrying U Ruined,My Whole Life I c Ur Face When I m Dreaming That's Why I Always Wake Up Screaming Kind Intelligent, Loving & Hot This Describes Everything You r Not I Love Ur Smile, Ur Face & Ur Eyes Damn, I'm V Good At Telling Lies
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Post by michaelfixler on Oct 31, 2011 7:28:34 GMT 1
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
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Post by dojiecastro on Nov 1, 2011 6:52:07 GMT 1
Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor blade' 'Don't panic, I'm coming immediately, have you done anything yet?' 'Yeah, I shaved with the electric razor.'
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Post by paulwesley on Nov 2, 2011 12:18:48 GMT 1
An english man and a desi man were both going to a interview. They were asked to use the colours green. pink and yellow. The english man goes in and says the grass is green, the sun is yellow and the sunset is pink. The desi man goes in and says my phone goes green green i pink it up and i say yellow!!
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Post by michealjames on Nov 4, 2011 7:28:52 GMT 1
There was a man and a woman in an old folks home. The man says to the woman, I bet you can't guess what age I am. The woman says I'll give it ago, but first pull down your pants, the man pulls down his , then the woman says pull down your underpants, so the man does. The she taps around down there and she says your 97. The man asks, how do you know that? The woman answers, because you told me yesterday
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Post by jakmarcus on Nov 10, 2011 5:40:34 GMT 1
A Poetry Competition asked For A 2-Line Rhyme With d Most Romantic 1st Line & the Least Romantic 2nd Line
There's d Winning Rhymes
My darling, My Love,My Beautiful Wife Marrying U Ruined,My Whole Life
I c Ur Face When I m Dreaming That's Why I Always Wake Up Screaming
Kind Intelligent, Loving & Hot This Describes Everything You r Not
I Love Ur Smile, Ur Face & Ur Eyes Damn, I'm V Good At Telling Lies
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Post by jeffclark on Nov 10, 2011 11:41:52 GMT 1
An airline introduced a special package for business men. Buy ur ticket get ur wife's ticket free. After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip. All of them gave a same reply... "Which Trip ?" :-
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Post by randy15 on Nov 11, 2011 21:28:59 GMT 1
A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going
back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car
over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree
in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at
her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."
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Post by jackallen on Nov 14, 2011 7:06:50 GMT 1
A wife asked her husband to describe her.
He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K'.
She said, 'What does that mean?'
He said, 'Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous Hot'.
She said, 'Oh that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?'
He said, ' I'm Just Kidding'
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Post by addyson on Nov 14, 2011 7:22:11 GMT 1
Factory Workers In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.
Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."
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Post by willsmith1 on Nov 15, 2011 11:54:46 GMT 1
FRED: Did I ever tell you about the time I came face to face with a very fierce gorilla?
BERT: No, what happened? FRED: Well, I stood there, without a gun . . . The gorilla looked at me and snarled and roared and beat his chest. Then it came closer and closer . . .
BERT: What did you do?
FRED: Oh, I'd had enough, so I moved on to the next cage.
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Post by lewis21 on Nov 15, 2011 20:33:22 GMT 1
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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Post by ashworth181 on Nov 16, 2011 5:32:44 GMT 1
“When a man holds a woman hands?”
When a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love;
after marriage it is self-defense
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Post by charlieadam on Nov 17, 2011 7:16:36 GMT 1
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. His father asks: "Why?" Johnny says: "The teacher asked me 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'" Father: "But that's right!" Johnny: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" Father reacts: "What's the f*** difference?" Johnny: "That's exactly I said!"
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Post by davis241 on Nov 17, 2011 7:38:54 GMT 1
Why Studying Is Better Than Sex 10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.
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Post by janescandy on Nov 17, 2011 12:22:13 GMT 1
Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Patty: Seven! Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Patty: Seven! Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got? Patty: Six. Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Patty: Seven! Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven? Patty: I've already got one rabbit at home now!
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Post by armondthomson on Nov 18, 2011 13:02:55 GMT 1
DAD: "Ok, so after every question i ask you you must say ketchup and rubber buns".
KID: Gotcha.
DAD: what did you buy at the store?
KID: Ketchup and rubber buns.
DAD: What did you have for dinner?
KID: Ketchup and rubber buns.
DAD: What do you do when an old lady crosses the street?
KID: Ketchup and rub....... HEY!
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Post by barrickmark on Nov 21, 2011 12:02:57 GMT 1
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.
He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.
The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
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Post by janerichi on Nov 22, 2011 5:59:07 GMT 1
Tommy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Tommy.
Six months later the doctor met Tommy on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars." "Is that so! How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
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