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Post by miketyson on Dec 14, 2011 8:43:35 GMT 1
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"
"Yup, shore am!"
"How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."
The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"
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Post by miketyson on Dec 14, 2011 8:44:11 GMT 1
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"
"Yup, shore am!"
"How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."
The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"
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Post by albert110 on Dec 16, 2011 5:59:13 GMT 1
Impossible to Please A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
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Post by johncorey on Dec 16, 2011 6:58:57 GMT 1
I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.
I was against it and an argument started.
I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.
He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"
And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."
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Post by Ron Hall on Dec 17, 2011 9:44:26 GMT 1
Wife Running After A Garbage Truck: Am I Too Late For The Garbage?
Hubby Following Her Yelled: Not Yet. Jumpppp Innnn Fastttt.
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Post by zaidi1813 on Dec 19, 2011 13:20:32 GMT 1
General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"
"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."
"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too."
"I'd like to see that."
So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"
"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:
"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."
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Post by garypayton on Dec 21, 2011 8:57:15 GMT 1
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
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Post by absalomdavin1 on Dec 22, 2011 7:45:20 GMT 1
Winter in Bonn. Kohl is walking through the snow-covered garden of the chancellor-office. Suddenly he sees that somebody has peed the word "Birne" into the snow. (Birne=pear is Kohl's mockery name in Germany). Kohl is very angry of course. He gives the order to the BKA (Germany's FBI) to find out who did it. Days, weeks and months are passing and nothing happens. Then Kohl phones to the BKA to ask what is going on. The officer there answers:"Well, we do have some problems. The result of the examination of the urine was that Klaus Kinkel did it. But the graphologists found out that the hand writing was without any doubt from your wife."
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Post by johnston5 on Dec 23, 2011 10:52:54 GMT 1
Q: Why don't blind people skydive? A: It scares the heck out of the dog.
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Post by johanwarner on Dec 23, 2011 11:22:19 GMT 1
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
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Post by adiwilson on Dec 23, 2011 12:48:20 GMT 1
This long line of people are queueing up to get served in a shop. Suddenly one bloke starts massaging the person in front's back. The other bloke immediately turns round and says to him, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
The bloke behind tells him, "Well, I'm a chiropractor and I can't help myself. I can't help practicing my art."
"Are you crazy?" says the bloke in front, "I'm a lawyer, but do you see me f**king the bloke in front of me?"
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Post by Ron Hall on Dec 25, 2011 9:08:34 GMT 1
Husband texts to wife on cell..
"Hi,what r u doing Darling?"
Wife: I'm dying..!
Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?"
Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair.."
Husband: "Bloody English Language!
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Post by rafealadam on Dec 27, 2011 11:29:40 GMT 1
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"
"A rose?" asked the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"
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Post by danielaustin on Dec 28, 2011 6:20:58 GMT 1
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.
You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!!!"
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Post by samwalker on Dec 28, 2011 7:14:56 GMT 1
Taking the final exam Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."
He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
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Post by samwalker on Dec 28, 2011 7:21:07 GMT 1
An extremely loyal fan There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
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Post by walsh on Dec 29, 2011 11:17:57 GMT 1
3 Shots of Whiskey A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.
Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"
The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."
The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.
Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.
The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."
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Post by richardalbert on Dec 29, 2011 13:03:23 GMT 1
"A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, ""All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks.""
The mother went nuts and told her son, ""We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.""
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, ""All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."" She hears the little boy continue, ""For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.""
As the mother began to smile, the child added, ""For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b**** in the kitchen."""
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Post by smithhennry on Dec 30, 2011 6:59:22 GMT 1
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
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Post by patrison on Dec 30, 2011 8:01:46 GMT 1
Dear Child,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
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Post by Ron Hall on Dec 30, 2011 20:10:20 GMT 1
A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger t***'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your t*** for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my t*** bigger?' asks the girlfriend. 'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.
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Post by mikedavis5 on Jan 2, 2012 10:17:08 GMT 1
It's the day after Christmas and young Johnny rides his new bike up to a stop light where a policeman on his horse is waiting for the light to change.
The policeman looks over at Johnny and says, "Got that bike for Christmas, sonny?"
The youngster responds, proudly, "Ya, Santa brought it for me."
The policeman then proceeds to write the young fellow a bicycle violation ticket for not having a reflector on the back bumper and hands it to him saying, "Well, next time you better tell him to put a light on it."
Johnny looks at the citation, looks back up at the cop and says, "And did Santa bring you that horse?"
Humoring the youngster, the policeman answers, "Why, yes, he did."
To which Johnny responds, "Well, next time you better tell him to put the d*** underneath the horse, not on top."
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Post by mikedavis5 on Jan 2, 2012 10:24:44 GMT 1
There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
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Post by rjayson on Jan 2, 2012 11:09:31 GMT 1
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.
Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."
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Post by rjayson on Jan 2, 2012 11:10:06 GMT 1
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.
Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."
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Post by kelvingrady on Jan 2, 2012 18:53:15 GMT 1
A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.
"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."
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Post by davidwilliam on Jan 3, 2012 6:17:59 GMT 1
"Knock Knock Who's there? Abbott! Abbott who? Abbott time you answered the door!
Knock Knock Who's there? Ahmed! Ahmed who? Ahmedeus Motzart!
Knock Knock Who's there? Alaska! Alaska who? Alaska my friend the question then!
Knock Knock Who's there? Alfred! Alfred who! Alfred of the dark!
Knock Knock Who's there? Alma! Alma who? Alma not going to tell you!"
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Post by davidson on Jan 3, 2012 12:18:49 GMT 1
Wat was the most evil "April Fool's Day" joke som 1 did on U? l hate april fools day. My uncle, my friend & 1 of the kids l help died on april 1st. That wasn't a joke though, it really did happen. This wasn't on april fools day but wen l was in 3rd grade l got tricked that l got pregnant. l was raped, then the person said l cud b pregnant. l didn't know l cudn't get pregnant b 4 my period. So l thought l was. l was pretty new 2 america, l didn't know all of english yet so l literally cudn't tell any 1. For 9 months l thought l was pregnant. l didn't give birth about 9 months later like the person said l wud. l hated it wen people tricked me ever since. l call april fools day "Cruel Joke Day". l give jokes but l can't take jokes. l can make people laugh, but l don't laugh easily. But l can't get mad @ people who just want 2 tell innocent jokes. l try 2 accept jokes better but it's hard. l just have 2 remember the people don't want 2 hurt me, they just want 2 pull fun pranks. Just 4 fun, that's all.
But if U like this holiday, happy April Fools Day!! =)
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Post by andywtson on Jan 4, 2012 6:38:09 GMT 1
Is Windows a Virus No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.
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Post by marshall24 on Jan 4, 2012 11:07:31 GMT 1
"It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to create him. Arthur C. Clarke
Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders? Friedrich Nietzsche
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. Voltaire
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself. Peter OToole"
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