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Post by abijahalice on Jul 9, 2012 8:25:09 GMT 1
Please rate my joke thread? i just made a thread with different jokes and i would like to ask you guys what you think of those funny jokes there
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Post by actonabhi on Jul 18, 2012 12:30:05 GMT 1
What are some funny jokes to play on friends for April Fools Day? My sister needs some ideas for playing jokes on her friends. She is towards the higher grades of elementary, but they need to be appropriate enough, so that her friends don't get mad at her and she doesn't get in trouble.
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Post by dvidmarsh123 on Aug 14, 2012 14:02:57 GMT 1
Wouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think about him/her? Well, if you like your Dean as much as I like my Dean, then you'd better keep your mouth shut. I knew I'd get kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years. But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon). Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that b**** what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye. "Hey b****," I said. "You're so damn ugly, you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!" And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years. Today, I unwrapped my diploma, fr amed it, and hung it in the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world: "In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!"
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Post by jeramyross on Aug 14, 2012 19:18:23 GMT 1
A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.
"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."
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Post by dvidmarsh123 on Aug 17, 2012 10:55:13 GMT 1
Wouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think about him/her? Well, if you like your Dean as much as I like my Dean, then you'd better keep your mouth shut. I knew I'd get kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years. But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon). Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that b**** what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye. "Hey b****," I said. "You're so damn ugly, you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!" And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years. Today, I unwrapped my diploma, fr amed it, and hung it in the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world: "In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!" ________________________________________________ Diabetic Foot UlcerRadiation Burs
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Post by burbach478 on Aug 17, 2012 18:18:01 GMT 1
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.
The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
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Post by markcyron on Aug 17, 2012 20:38:34 GMT 1
A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!
She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"
The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"
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Post by shawnvan on Aug 23, 2012 17:27:08 GMT 1
A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"
The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!"
The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"
By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."
Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"
The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."
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Post by bennorrisd on Aug 23, 2012 22:13:17 GMT 1
Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.
After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."
The first said, "I wish I were smarter."
So, she became a redhead.
The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is."
She became a brunette.
The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!"
So, she became a man.
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Post by kevin354 on Aug 24, 2012 19:37:50 GMT 1
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
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Post by tylerdenson on Aug 28, 2012 22:18:40 GMT 1
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked. "That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!" ________________ where to get birth control beaver dam wisconsin
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Post by aikencolin on Aug 31, 2012 11:57:23 GMT 1
JOKEs? ^_^ Lets get some short quick jokes going.... "whats red and looks like a bucket?"
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Post by wisemiller44 on Sept 4, 2012 22:11:43 GMT 1
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
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Post by kolomatis74 on Sept 6, 2012 15:55:17 GMT 1
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
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Post by johnnie64 on Sept 12, 2012 20:13:33 GMT 1
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
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Post by jamelflash on Sept 21, 2012 20:51:40 GMT 1
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven? A: She didn't know what number came first.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone? A: Divorced.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree.
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Post by brendan344 on Oct 5, 2012 21:36:40 GMT 1
A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Warming up your dinner."
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Post by suredrajohn on Dec 5, 2012 8:03:57 GMT 1
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
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Post by primejonny on Dec 5, 2012 11:13:13 GMT 1
An instructor and student are sitting in a helicopter, the instructor says "Take it straight up to 100 feet and bring it back down". The student does without a problem, so the instructor tells him to "Take it up to 200 feet and back down". Again the student's performance is flawless. Then the instructor gets out of the chopper and tells the student that his first solo is to take it up to 300 feet and land it by himself.
The student takes off and gets up to about 300 feet then suddenly comes crashing down, the instructor runs up to the wreckage and says "You were doing so good...what happened?" The student replies "Well I got up to about 290 feet, but it got so cold up there I figured I would turn the big fan off".
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Post by turnbullkaia on Dec 6, 2012 8:17:59 GMT 1
Two women friends had gone for a "girl's night out." They both were very faithful, loving wives... however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas at the Rio. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them... luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it... so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home. The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!" "That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read: "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!"
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Post by rexshower on Dec 6, 2012 8:46:23 GMT 1
Dear Child,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
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Post by crispinrees on Dec 7, 2012 8:48:50 GMT 1
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
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Post by ambientjohn on Dec 7, 2012 8:49:07 GMT 1
Stopped by a booth for a marketing researcher.
She asked me, "Do you mind if I ask you 10 short questions?
I repied, "Not at all."
"OK," she answered, "question One: Have you ever suffered from blackouts?"
"NO," I said.
"OK," came her response. "And finally, Question #10...."
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Post by mecheslav on Jan 4, 2013 6:19:14 GMT 1
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
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Post by amberlewis on Mar 4, 2013 12:21:23 GMT 1
Here goes my one:- A gay guy walks into a bar and says "bartender give me a brewskie."The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."The gay continues, "I'll just sit in the corner and drink my beer and won't say anything."The bartender says, "Well, all right!" and pours a beer. A while later a cowboy walks in and says "Bartender give me a beer! I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a cow's balls" A voice is heard from the corner. "Moo! Moo! Buckaroo!"
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Post by shaneyunk on Dec 16, 2013 10:19:38 GMT 1
An airline introduced a special package for business men. Buy ur ticket get ur wife's ticket free. After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip. All of them gave a same reply... "Which Trip ?" :- I love this joke. It's so funny. ;D
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Post by steven222 on Jan 4, 2014 7:54:12 GMT 1
Hi, just wanted to tell you, I enjoyed this thread. It was funny. Keep on posting!
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Post by Colin Larsen on Feb 12, 2014 9:36:03 GMT 1
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
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Post by James Marsh on Apr 1, 2015 14:28:41 GMT 1
A husband and wife, who had been married for 35 years, were celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for 35 years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. So, the fairy waved her wand and the wife had the tickets in her hand for an around the world itinerary. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman who is 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand, waved it, and he instantly turned 90.
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Post by Mitchel Symonds on Jul 4, 2015 1:14:00 GMT 1
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
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