|
Post by markanthony1 on Nov 22, 2011 7:14:52 GMT 1
An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.” Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?” The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.” The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?” The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”
|
|
|
Post by neilharward on Nov 22, 2011 8:39:28 GMT 1
Six-year old Angie & her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang & talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church & said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
Three women were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, " You know, my son is a mechanical Enginner, who could fix any complicated machanical failures." The second woman says, "You know my son, works at Boeing fixing planes." The last woman says, "You know my son, he never did too well is school. He never went to any university but he now makes one million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman." The other two women ask "What is a sports repairman?" The woman then replies, "He fixes games... you know, hockey games, football games, baseball games...."
|
|
|
Post by jackvale on Nov 23, 2011 11:05:02 GMT 1
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
|
|
|
Post by kristinaalford on Nov 23, 2011 12:01:15 GMT 1
All Out of Anaesthetic A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.
He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.
It all happened in an instant.
The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.
Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"
The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"
|
|
|
Post by stationer on Nov 23, 2011 20:51:54 GMT 1
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR a***!"
|
|
|
Post by dawsongabriel on Nov 24, 2011 7:29:46 GMT 1
Number One Sport A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown a bullfight.
The guide told her, "This is our number one sport."
The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting?"
"No," the guide replied, "revolting is our number two sport."
|
|
|
Post by weymouth on Nov 24, 2011 16:45:59 GMT 1
Fat guy saw advertisment “lose 5kg in a week” He cals & said i would like to join! Lady : Ok be ready tomorrow at 6am. Next morning He opens the door & finds a hot babe with shoes, underpants & shirt saying “If u catch me u can f*ck me!” & the girl starts running. Guy starts running but couldn’t catch her. so during the whole week he tried to catch her bt couldn’t & loses 5kg. He then asks for the 10 kg program. Next morning at 6 he opens the door & saw even hotter babe in bikini saying if u catch me u can f*ck me. He loses 10 kg dat week. so he thought this program is awesome! Lets try 25kg. but the lady said are you sure? Its really tough!! next day at 6 he opens the door expecting to see a nude babe. but finds a nude man saying “If i catch u i will f*ck u!!” that week he lost 30kg
|
|
|
Post by tommyhill on Nov 24, 2011 19:33:51 GMT 1
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well .........?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."
|
|
|
Post by joejonas on Nov 24, 2011 21:33:00 GMT 1
Difference b/w s*** & Oohh s***: . A boy Threw a love letter to a girl . but it fell on her brother.. Shittt! . And Her brother was GAY.. Oohh s*** :-P
|
|
|
Post by davidmolk on Nov 25, 2011 6:09:00 GMT 1
The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide..
1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child? <
2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
3. Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q: Did he kill you?
4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
6. Were you alone or by yourself?
7. How long have you been a French Canadian?
8. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture. A: That's me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? A: I'll be three months on November 8. Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8? A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at that time?
13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
14. So you were gone until you returned?
15. Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there girls?
16. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet.
19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel? A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct? A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
|
|
|
Post by kevinnash on Nov 25, 2011 7:23:13 GMT 1
A Funny man & his wife go to a coffee house. Funny man buys 2 cups of coffee.
Funny Man: Drink quickly... drink quickly... before it gets cold.
Wife: But why...
Funny Man: They charge Rs. 50 for hot coffee and Rs 100 for cold coffee.
|
|
|
Post by stephane24 on Nov 28, 2011 5:41:57 GMT 1
Naming the Twins A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?"
Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?"
The brother winked and replied, "Denephew."
|
|
|
Post by stephane24 on Nov 28, 2011 5:42:48 GMT 1
Naming the Twins A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?"
Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?"
The brother winked and replied, "Denephew."
|
|
|
Post by jamesashworth on Nov 28, 2011 11:46:29 GMT 1
A suspicious husband hired a private eye to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it.
Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw them take part in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," said the distraught husband.
"What's not to believe?" the detective said. "It's right up there on the screen!"
"I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun!" the husband replied.
|
|
|
Post by frederick1 on Nov 29, 2011 8:44:48 GMT 1
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
|
|
|
Post by mykelwade on Nov 29, 2011 11:10:52 GMT 1
Donations A blonde, brunette, and redhead went to a church to donate money. The brunette draws a circle around her and throws up all her money.
She says that whatever lands inside the circle is for God, and whatever lands outside of the circle she keeps.
The redhead then draws a line, stands on it, and throws up all of her money. She said that whatever lands on the right side of the line is for God, and whatever lands on the left side she keeps.
The blonde throws up her money, and yells,"God, whatever you catch is yours, and whatever you don't I get to keep."
|
|
|
Post by boomer68 on Nov 29, 2011 11:44:34 GMT 1
I know U R So-So-So -B-U-S-Y But...Take... 3 Seconds to think of me 1... ... 2... ... 3.................. So Sweet. now continue ur work..
________________________________________________________
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"
"A rose?" asked the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"
|
|
|
Post by draybell on Nov 30, 2011 12:53:59 GMT 1
0 to 200 in 6 seconds Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
|
|
|
Post by markfraser on Dec 1, 2011 7:53:31 GMT 1
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
|
|
|
Post by bradford23 on Dec 1, 2011 12:28:56 GMT 1
A teacher asked a student to write 55. Student asked: How? Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5! The student wrote 5 and stopped. teacher: What are you waiting for? student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
|
|
|
Post by ricflair26 on Dec 1, 2011 21:17:05 GMT 1
"The car won't start," aid a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburettor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburettor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburettor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?" "In the swimming pool."
|
|
|
Post by fisher97 on Dec 2, 2011 13:05:12 GMT 1
There was a farting contest coming to town and people came from miles around the first fart was extremely loud the second fart pleased the crowd the third fart, the judges cried "He s*** his pants, he's disqualified!"
_____________________ There once was a security guard Who had some troubles keeping it hard He jerked it off nightly And squeezed it tightly while looking at his identification card.
|
|
|
Post by jsimmons on Dec 5, 2011 21:32:38 GMT 1
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
|
|
|
Post by tonypaige on Dec 6, 2011 19:55:19 GMT 1
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.
The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
|
|
|
Post by kevinlouth on Dec 7, 2011 8:44:30 GMT 1
As per research A man speaks 25,000 words daily & A woman speaks 30,000 Problem starts when husband comes home from office after consuming his 25,000 words & wife starts her 30,000..
|
|
|
Post by lukewilson on Dec 8, 2011 7:29:42 GMT 1
I saw you yesterday on the road. Such beautiful eyes, walking gracefully down the road, and I started to sing; Who let the dogs out!
|
|
|
Post by jameslogan on Dec 8, 2011 12:48:11 GMT 1
Only three doors An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
|
|
|
Post by drewwilson on Dec 8, 2011 19:21:42 GMT 1
A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well, without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't). A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company does business. For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time. As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun. Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't felt this good in years! The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.
|
|
|
Post by marklorry on Dec 9, 2011 13:27:00 GMT 1
Customer to waiter: Everyday you charge me money for a cup of coffee. How wonderful it would be if you serve me coffee free of cost today.
Waiter: Sir, everyday you drink coffee from a filled cup. How wonderful it would be if you drink from an empty cup today !!!
|
|
|
Post by markjett on Dec 12, 2011 10:38:45 GMT 1
Finding The Car A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars.
The manager comes out ofthe bar and stops the guy.
'What the heck are you doing ?' he asks the drunk.
'I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it.' he replies.
'So how does feeling the roof help you ?' asks the puzzled manager.
'Well,' replies the drunk earnestly, 'MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!'.
|
|