|
Post by pjohnson1300 on Jan 25, 2012 20:26:57 GMT 1
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!", he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?" And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
|
|
|
Post by Alex Johnson on Jan 26, 2012 17:55:14 GMT 1
Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"
|
|
|
Post by abelcade on Jan 30, 2012 8:09:32 GMT 1
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
|
|
|
Post by coleman64 on Jan 31, 2012 6:18:24 GMT 1
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
|
|
|
Post by tibbyjohn on Jan 31, 2012 13:40:06 GMT 1
*^*^*jOkE*^*^*? Sipho phones boss "hey boss" - Cant come to work today! Boss: WHY??? Sipho: Problem with my eyes. Boss: What??? Sipho: "Can't see (.)(.) myself working today!!!
|
|
|
Post by princej on Feb 1, 2012 7:09:28 GMT 1
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."
"How so?"
"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."
|
|
|
Post by Alex Johnson on Feb 2, 2012 18:02:17 GMT 1
There was this woman who had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed so she could look younger so she went to a plastic surgeon. She tells the doctor I cant get rid of these bags please help me. The doctor says he is gonna try and new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to crank it and the bags will go away. So she gets this crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works for a while until one day she cant get rid of these bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor. She says to the doctor: "Doctor, this was working for a while, but I cant seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies: "Lady those aren't bags... those are your t***!" All she had to say was, "Now that would explain why I have this goatee."
|
|
|
Post by brandondoss on Feb 2, 2012 18:23:54 GMT 1
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.
The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
|
|
|
Post by wesleywil on Feb 6, 2012 6:27:03 GMT 1
The funnier YA thread: Jokes & Riddles, or Religion & Spiritiality?
|
|
|
Post by vickyrough on Feb 7, 2012 23:13:53 GMT 1
Three men walk into a bar, An Englishman, Frenchman and Irishman. They see a treasure chest up on the shelf with a sign saying "Take the 20 Shot Challenge and WIN!" The men asked the bartender about the chest.
"well" the bartender said, "you must first take 20 Shots of our finest whiskey, Second you must go out back and pull the thorn from an angry lions foot. And then finally, you must go upstairs and make love to an 105 year old woman."
The three men decided, that the chest was filled with so much gold that it was worth a try.
The Frenchman went first, he got to his 18th shot and passed out cold.
Next, The Englishman finished the twenty shots, and staggered out back. In a moment, they heard loud roars and screams and the Englishman did not return.
The Irishman sat down at the table and finished the shots. Then stumbled out back. Loud roars echoed through the back door of the bar and then silence. After a minute of silence, the irishman stumbled into the room very bloody and asked "Now where is the old lady with the thorn in her foot?"
|
|
|
Post by shawnjohn on Feb 8, 2012 12:24:34 GMT 1
JOKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!… ok so my teacher always says "your butter because you on a roll" so i wanted to create more sayings like that for example "go take an ice bath because your on fire" they don't have to b good jokes just something that praises the kids oh and hes a computer teacher
|
|
|
Post by husselhuff12 on Feb 8, 2012 20:27:27 GMT 1
Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One has a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start. The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
|
|
|
Post by curtbrock on Feb 10, 2012 11:34:01 GMT 1
JOKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!… ok so my teacher always says "your butter because you on a roll" so i wanted to create more sayings like that for example "go take an ice bath because your on fire" they don't have to b good jokes just something that praises the kids oh and hes a computer teacher
|
|
|
Post by likjohn on Feb 13, 2012 14:05:39 GMT 1
How long does it take Jake to finish the job alone? It takes Jake 1 hour more to finish the job than Jay. Working together they can finish the job in 1 hr & 12 minutes. How long does it take Jake to finish if he works alone?
|
|
|
Post by billyoung on Feb 15, 2012 17:37:41 GMT 1
What are some Libertarian jokes that make fun of democrats & republicans in the same joke? Well I've seen the libertarian lightbulb joke & some anti-communist jokes but I havent seen any jokes that are both anti-democrat & anti-republican.
I have seen republican jokes that are anti-democrat too.
Are there any Libertarian jokes that make fun of liberals & conservatives?
|
|
|
Post by justinshanks on Feb 20, 2012 17:26:28 GMT 1
A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.
The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.
The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.
The pope told the brunette to take the last one.
The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!"
|
|
|
Post by shannon354 on Feb 29, 2012 17:18:28 GMT 1
A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them."
A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."
|
|
|
Post by martinerat on Mar 16, 2012 17:25:27 GMT 1
A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!
She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"
The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"
|
|
|
Post by codymartin on Mar 19, 2012 16:34:11 GMT 1
A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter.
"I'm here for the paint job," she said.
"Alright," said the man. "Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house."
The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.
After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a new BMW.
|
|
|
Post by fiberpools on Mar 20, 2012 21:24:31 GMT 1
Impossible to Please A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
|
|
|
Post by fiberpools on Mar 21, 2012 19:49:36 GMT 1
Height of bravery! Going Late To Class,in TOre Jeans&messy hair. Entring The class widout Permission n saying to MAM: "Hey SwEeTy!" "CARRYY ON DONT STOP"...
|
|
|
Post by zahoorjee on May 28, 2012 10:09:20 GMT 1
Men are like Bluetooth: He is connected to you when you are nearby, but searches for other devices when you are away..
Women are like Wi-Fi: She sees all available devices but connects to the strongest one...
|
|
|
Post by ntastle on Jun 19, 2012 6:49:01 GMT 1
Two women from england moved to America. They decided that since it was a traditional American food they would try there first hot dog.They were talking about how mean it was to kill a helpless dog for food. So they went to a hot dog stand and bought the hot dogs. They found a park bench to sit on and eat there dogs. The first one opens hers and turns bright pink...
and says.....
"what part did you get?"
|
|
|
Post by burgesschester on Jun 20, 2012 12:31:03 GMT 1
these two guys walk across a field but soon get stopped by the owner. the owner is mad cuz he doesnt like anybody walking in his field. anyway he tells the two men that unless they dont do what he tells them to he will shoot their heads off. so the owner lets them sleep in his barn for one day. late that night when they two men were sleeping the owner came and woke both of them up and told them to go out in the field and pick out any fruit or vegetable of their choice. so the two men obeyed and went. one of the men came back with a melon then the owner told him to bend over and shove it up his ass. the the man started laughing and the owner was asking why is he laughing at a moment like this then the guy said "because my friend out there is picking a watermelon"
|
|
|
Post by abatedakes on Jun 21, 2012 12:36:04 GMT 1
Three kids were walking down a dirt path in the forest. One of the kids sees Bill Clinton drowing. The three boys save Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton is so pleased that they saved his life he decided to give each one of them a request. The first boy said, "Chicks, lots of hot chicks." The second boy said, "Candy, lots of candy." And the third boy said, "A coffin next to Grants tomb." Bill Clinton asked why he wanted a coffin next to Grant's tomb, and the boy said, "When my dad finds out that I saved your life he is going to kill me."
|
|
|
Post by algernonbuck on Jun 22, 2012 12:40:58 GMT 1
Bush was in Afghanistan on a visit, talking to Osama Bin Laden. Osama would ask Bush questions, and when Bush gave a response Bin Laden didn't like, he pressed a button, and a giant boxing glove would hit Bush in the face. When Osama came to America, he and Bush were talking. When Osama said something Bush didn't like, he pressed a button, and nothing happened. Osama kept answering questions, and Bush kept pressing the button, but nothing happened. When the day was over Osama said "When we get to Afghanistan, i'll show you how we really do things." Then Bush responds with a smile on his face "What Afghanistan?"
|
|
|
Post by allister on Jun 25, 2012 7:36:25 GMT 1
Two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are." Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground." So Harry yells down to the man, "Hey, pardon me but could you tell us where we are?"The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon 100 feet up in the air." George turns to Harry and says, "that man is a lawyer." "How can you tell?", inquires Harry. George answers, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless."
|
|
|
Post by cliffharris on Jun 26, 2012 11:37:50 GMT 1
Three boys were in the desert with only one bottle of water left. They were all very thirsty, so they had a dreaming contest. Whoever had the best dream would get the water, so they all went to sleep right away. When they woke up, the first boy said, "I dreamed I won a lottery ticket." The second boy said, "I dreamed I was immortal." The third boy said, "While you guys were sleeping I drank the water."
|
|
|
Post by jamesphilbert on Jun 27, 2012 10:39:34 GMT 1
What are some jokes about New York? I live in Texas and I have a friend who moved from New York. Well he likes to joke around about Texas. Like once he said he didnt know there was water in Texas, which was pretty funny. He also asked me if Sandy from spongebob was my cousin, since Sandy is from Texas. Well what can I say about New York, nothing too mean, just so I can say something back.
|
|
|
Post by goergecoleny on Jun 28, 2012 10:45:53 GMT 1
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
|
|