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Post by donnyjohn on Jan 4, 2012 13:05:14 GMT 1
Fun joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!? During a visit to the Mental Asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand, "said the visitor. "A normal person would use a bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
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Post by chrisdenwoy on Jan 5, 2012 11:45:08 GMT 1
Bathtime fun A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.
His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.
"Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.
"Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on.
He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.
"If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.
When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.
A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer
"What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily.
"Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle."
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Post by ericmitchell on Jan 6, 2012 11:22:26 GMT 1
A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town.
Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel's. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window.
Much to everybody's surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar.
The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.
"Easy," says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window."
"Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.
"Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can be a real a jerk when you're drunk."
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Post by jimmysen on Jan 6, 2012 13:23:51 GMT 1
JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!? U wanna come 2 dis party next weekend? Its gonna be crakkin, jus like yo lips.. Its on da corner of blistext and chapstick.lol april fooLS some of u might not like it...o well!
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Post by Ron Hall on Jan 7, 2012 10:21:53 GMT 1
Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two!
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. :s
"hi darling", he says, "your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you have said hello to them.
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Post by georgemccann on Jan 9, 2012 6:27:21 GMT 1
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.
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Post by decenzo on Jan 9, 2012 13:15:58 GMT 1
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "
The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.
" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"
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Post by armonjohnson on Jan 9, 2012 21:24:11 GMT 1
A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.
"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."
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Post by johndesuza on Jan 10, 2012 10:41:15 GMT 1
"As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, ""I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me.""
All three agreed to do this and were given the money.
At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said ""I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin.""
The physician then said, ""Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.""
The lawyer then said, ""I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.
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Post by alicejhon on Jan 10, 2012 10:48:15 GMT 1
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice. Hi, I'm ... Do you know the joke about no and me neither? No? Me neither. Wanna hear a joke about pizza? Nah, it's too cheesy. Wanna hear a joke about butter? Nah, you might spread it around. I have a joke about cats! Nah, just kitten.
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Post by johnhall on Jan 11, 2012 10:57:12 GMT 1
Bugs Or Us has been providing professional, environmentally friendly Los Angeles pest control services since 1979. Our extensive experience in working with Los Angeles and Orange County homes and business owners has made us a leader in effective and safe methods of pest control. We utilize the latest in pest and rodent control methods to constantly improve on our services in controlling and eliminating infestations in the home and at work. Our professional services give property owners important peace of mind that they are protected from potentially dangerous and unhealthy infestations.
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Post by antoniabbot on Jan 11, 2012 13:13:42 GMT 1
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; ...she's dead."
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Post by suniljohnson on Jan 13, 2012 6:22:24 GMT 1
Speech Impediment Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other:
"If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"
"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."
"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"
"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.
"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow.
"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"
"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"
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Post by codymoya on Jan 13, 2012 11:47:36 GMT 1
They meet a third guy in there, the bartender yells goose! The 1st man doesn't do anything, a goose runs in and gooses him (bites his behind) until he dies. The bartender yells fish! 2 fishermen run in and hook the second guy through the brain and he dies. The bartender then pulls out a shotgun and yells duck! The third one ducks.
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Post by arshad1813 on Jan 14, 2012 11:19:12 GMT 1
Little Johnny's father was disappointed that the boy scored such low marks in a spelling test. "Why did you get such a bad mark?" he asked. "Absence," said Johnny. "What, you were absent on the day of the test?" "No, but the boy who sits next to me was!"
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Post by billdavid on Jan 16, 2012 12:09:47 GMT 1
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!
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Post by jacobethan on Jan 16, 2012 13:26:18 GMT 1
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the h*ll up."
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Post by vickyrough on Jan 17, 2012 18:01:09 GMT 1
he Perfect Worker
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always 5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be 10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be 11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be 12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
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Post by vickyrough on Jan 17, 2012 23:45:43 GMT 1
During an English lesson, the teacher notices that a boy was not paying attention to her.
Teacher:Pappu, join these two sentences together. I was cycling to school. I saw a dead body.
Pappu: (thinking for a while) I saw a dead body cycling to school. VN:F [1.9.13_1145]
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Post by abbyafton on Jan 18, 2012 12:54:53 GMT 1
JOkes.........---------? Once upon in air india flight, one Indian man and a English man were traveling, the indian man got his dinner from home,
he took it out the box, and took out a roti (indian chapati) then at that moment english man curiously asked 'what?s that', the Indian replied 'bread of India'
After a while the Indian took out a gulabjamun (Indian sweet), at that moment English asked 'whats that'. then Indian replied 'sweet of India'.
after some time the Indian guy farted with a big sound at that moment the English man asked 'what's that', the indian said thats 'AIR INDIA
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Post by gordonwells on Jan 19, 2012 6:51:11 GMT 1
This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.
All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.
Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.
"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"
"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."
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Post by alvarabe on Jan 19, 2012 12:49:00 GMT 1
*^*^*jOkE*^*^*? Sipho phones boss "hey boss" - Cant come to work today! Boss: WHY??? Sipho: Problem with my eyes. Boss: What??? Sipho: "Can't see (.)(.) myself working today!!!
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Post by Alex Johnson on Jan 19, 2012 17:15:58 GMT 1
In the convent a young nun went to see the mother superior. "Mother, I want to quit the veil." "But why, my child?" "To become a prostitute." "What? What are you saying?" "I said I want to become a prostitute, mother." "Oh, you had me worried. I thought you said protestant!"
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Post by jefftobe on Jan 20, 2012 13:19:29 GMT 1
Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.
"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."
"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."
"You must tell me what you did."
"I went to a faith healer."
"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."
The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."
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Post by allonamon on Jan 23, 2012 11:46:14 GMT 1
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Post by samsamuel on Jan 24, 2012 7:51:24 GMT 1
Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.
The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."
The woman replies, "Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."
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Post by marcyjohn on Jan 24, 2012 13:24:57 GMT 1
JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!… You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... You need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you realize, you have been listening to your ipod.
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Post by husselhuff12 on Jan 24, 2012 17:52:45 GMT 1
A nun asked her class, What part of the body goes into heaven first?
A little girl raises her hand and says, I know, I know, the top of your head.
The nun asks, Why do you say that?
The little girl says, Because when you die, you go straight up, and the top of your head goes in first!
The nun replies, That makes sense, anyone else?
Another little girl says, I know, I know, the tips of your fingers.
The nun asks, Why the tips of your fingers?
The little girl replies, Because when you put your hands together to pray, the tips of your fingers go into heaven first!
The nun says, OK, anyone else?
Little Johnny is in the back waving his hand.
The nun says, OK, Johnny, please tell us what part of the body goes into heaven first?
Your feet! Your feet do, for sure! yells Johnny.
The nun, puzzled, asks, Why do you think your feet get to heaven first?
Because I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night, and my mom was in there, and she had both her feet sticking straight up in the air, and she was yelling 'Oh God, I'm coming. Oh God, I'm coming!' and if my Dad hadn't been holding her down, I think she would have gone!
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Post by mikepeterson on Jan 24, 2012 22:29:36 GMT 1
There once was a magic mirror which would kill your if you lied to it. One day a brunette was doing her makeup and said to herself "I think I'm the smartest woman ever!" She immediately dropped dead. The next day a redhead was doing her hair and said to herself "I think I'm the prettiest woman alive!" She immediately dropped dead. Finally, the following day, a blond was flossing her teeth. She stopped and said to herself "I think," and dropped dead.
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Post by lieberman on Jan 25, 2012 13:58:34 GMT 1
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"
"You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
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